I think it is about time I write about the whole experience for remembrance now that I have passed my goal of BF for one year. Next week this time, it will be my first day back at work, and I can look back at the whole journey and laugh again at how silly I was.
I remember telling myself and everybody after stopping BF Isaac that there's no way I will go crazy about BF again with the 2nd kid. I said I will be chilled, not worried, top-up with formula and just enjoy the first few weeks/months. How wrong was I.
The birth was perfect and the first week bliss. I was confident and full of adrenaline, wondering what the fuss was about taking care of 2 kids. It all came crashing down when Caitlin lost 13% of her weight and was very jaundiced, bad enough to be admitted for observations and repeat investigations. In hospital, I was riddled with guilt and questioned myself, how did we end up in this position? So began the spiral of worrying about weight gain, whether I had enough milk and whether she took enough. Of course I could have topped up with formula but I do not know why I was so obsessed about wanting and needing to exclusively breastfeed directly (even pump and feed was not good enough). It was certainly an unhealthy obsession and pride on my part of wanting to achieve what I perceived as 'best' (Isaac was always topped up with formula on his last feed end of the day). After hassling all my friends with texts and whatsapp messages, it sounded like she had a latching problem and I should pump to increase/maintain supply. First, I loaned a pump from hospital and then bought a double electric pump and began on a pumping and feeding frenzy. Thank God for long suffering husband, Isaac, parents and sisters :) I was crying all the time and abandoned everything else apart from needing to feed Caitlin. On one hand, I wanted to only BF her while on the other hand I was constantly worried about her weight and wanting to teach her how to use a bottle. So I would give her a bottle of EBM here and there and there was no routine at all. It was a nightmare living with me. In addition, Caitlin was a much more difficult and fussy baby (up till now) and would only latch while half asleep or half awake.
After 3-4 months, I just fed her on the breast (finally stopped worrying) and forgot about the bottle. What a mistake as she did forget about the bottle and so began the journey of reintroducing the bottle to her just before she started nursery. She wasted so much milk!! Persistence did pay off as now she does take a bottle (after ~6 weeks of trying), although only pitiful amounts of 3-4oz a day. Maybe she just doesn't like milk. I am still feeding her at night and mornings as she refuses to take the bottle at night. It will just have to be cold turkey when I start my on calls. Poor Richard and Isaac will be needing ear plugs but am sure all will survive :)
Perhaps this experience is similar to all BF mums? It does make me wonder if breast is always the best as so much is sacrificed. I lost out on lots of time with Isaac (as was constantly either feeding or pumping), was severely sleep deprived and constantly worried about whether Caitlin has had enough. There's definitely the immunity and antibodies advantage from BM but does this benefit outweigh one's sanity?
Here I ask myself again, IF there were to be another child, will it be the same story all over again? Richard has already said 'Of course it will!!' The truth is I don't know, and there are no plans to find out.
No comments:
Post a Comment